Whent to the movies today with my son to se the new Harry potter. It wasen´t so good that i tought but ok. My son was so happy to do someting alone with me and thats the most important:)
So here in Sweden it´s winter and -13C. It has been snowing a couple of days and hard winds, so it´s not so greate beeing outside.
Yesterday I sat in the sofa under a warm blanket and watch Dirty Dancing. i really love that film. Cry everytime.
Tomorrow I´m going out with some friends to see a show. I´m really looking forward to it. We were there last year and it´s a really great show. Hope It is just as good this year. Feels good going out and seeing something else than this. I think i really need this. Just to dress up and feel pretty. that something i haven´t done since I became sick. not like this anyway.
All thoug I have all this things going on and looking forward to something, I still feel a emptyness inside. i don´t know what it is but it feels like a big black hole´, and I don´t know what to fill it with to feel happy again.
we talked yesterday about people that allways is there for others in rain and in sunshine. My fiance Johan is like that. I can call him anytime and ask for his help and he´s allways there for me. even if he really dosen´t have the time. I used to be that way. I asked him if he never got tired of people taking adantage of him. (because they do sometimes).
He said "No i make a diffrence and I make people happy".
I wish I could see it like him sometimes. I guess I just got tired of helping people and never getting anything back. Don´t get me wrong, I still help people and I´m a nice person it´s just that I feel let down some times. My mother taught me that if you help peolpe u will get something back when you really need it. And most people give back I´m sure but others just take and take and take and never gives back. They come with stupid explanations why they can´t help and blame other people around them insted of admitting that they just don´t want to help. That makes me angry.
I asked Johan if he never felt that way and just wanted to stop helping theese people. He said " Mabye youre not seeing the hole picture, Youre eyes and ears see and hear but not whats between the lines".
Then It struk me. I used to say that. I allways gave people second chanses and I allways had one eye open for a diffrent explanation that mabye wasen´t wisible at the first glimt.
there are people that do take and never give but who am I to judge them? We all have the right to say no. if I feel like this it´s just because of me. i could also say no if I feel I have to have something back next time. or mabye just explain my tought and mabye there is a simple explanation to all this. and mabye it´s just the way They are....
I do how ever want to say that there are more important things in life to lay youre energy on than people that dosen´t care about u! don´t let people take advantage of you. Do help but not at the expense on U or ure loved ones.
Enough thought for tonight. Thanks for beeing there and keep fighting! / Love from Sweden