Some times I just do understand why things are the way they are. I am the type of friend that when one of my friends need anything I am right there. Now that I need my friends around me it seems they are to busy with there own lives. I guess I just shouldn’t be so nice anymore.
When I was in the hospital after my bleed, I found out who my real friends were. After spending another few days in the hospital recently for surgery, I still have those same real friends. Others I've let go on their way for the very reasons you speak of. I don't hate them or anything, I just let them be and I hang out with the ones who really care. I don't go out of my way to contact those who shouldn't be in my life. If I see them or they stop by or whatever, I'm nice and everything, just not spending much of my energy to keep any friendship going. It was all me who was carrying the friendship, not them.
Hope this helps a little. Kc.
My Brain surgery changed my life drastically. Yupppp!!! i found out who my friends and true relatives. I disassociated myself from the "two faces" , the fakers and alike. I unfriend them from facebook and stopped being nice. Sorry, but that's the truth. Currently, I now have more time in the world with my own family who were there in time of needs.
This is a good place to vent since most of us have been there and understand.
As to why things are the way they are...I'm no help in that department.
I can tell you that my whole experience with this thus far has thickened my skin...just need to buy the heavy-duty moisturizer and try to laugh at annoying things.
I think many of us have learned who our true friends are. True friends come to visit you in the hospital and shave your legs for you because they know you'd hate having your legs looking like that! I have a couple of those. Then I have the ones that sent nurses in to check on me and report back rather than visiting me themselves. Don't waste your energy on the ones that don't matter. If you haven't figured out who those are yet, you will.
Erin, my Mother gave me some very interesting advice when i found myself in your position. She said, as only Mothers may, "Nicole, what are you contributing to that relationship?"", and I got the Really short end of the stick in all this!." What do you offer that friend/ friend? So now, I try much more concienciously, to think what am I contributing to this relationship? Unfortunately, the answer is frequently, "not much."... And i got the Really short end of the stick in all this! My husband divorced me last year after dealing with my recovery for only 2 years, something about irrevecably damaged the relationship. I' to stupid since the bleed to irrevocably damage anything except my hair, which was indeed irrevocably damaged by the crani! Hope this helps!or if not , as they say, keep on keepng on!
Cheers, its 5:00 somewhere,
Erin, this is the perfect place to vent. I don't know if everyone on this Network has felt the same way, but I sure have. As a matter of face, I was very angry yesterday because someone was just into themselves and didn't even think that I was brain tired. So vent all you want!
I feel the same way my bff has been so distant our friendship hasn't been the same in months.
it makes me sad that were the way we are but I dont have the energy to stress it bc my focus needs to be me. I say let things be...
Erin, After 12 years I still am amazed at the insensitivity of family and friends. I too was alway there for all, now I feel like the third wheel, had to bring along "brain dead", and convenient memory loss sis. I not only got thickened skin I had shut off
emotional feelings so I now could add do not give a s--t. But if you look around you will find at least one person that is amazing. As you think of that person emulate them, find that other person that may need you to be for them....we all need someone to care, I just want to be that to someone else. Wanna join me....take my hand and we will walk the walk.
I've had similar times, surviving and still living, when my son is gone. I've wondered why more of my close friends and family, whom I've done lots for, are "too busy" or don't call. There will be times when you wonder why what you've given to others hasn't come back to you.
I've thought that there are several reasons for those who can't be around me now. I think that many just can't handle the knowledge that they are mortal. The fact that bad things happen to good people. Emotionally, they can't process that kind of sadness or sorrow. Perhaps in your case, the prospect of the sadness of potentially losing you. I've not lost many of my "true" friends, but some can only handle talking or seeing me all the time anymore; only see or talk with me just so much. I limit how much I reach out to them because I know my pain isn't something that they can handle all the time.
That's why sites like this are here, I think. We share what we can with our friends and family. But we reach out to those who have something in common (sharing a loss like mine or sharing living with this as you and others do). Those who can handle our stories, because they live with the same pain.
I thought the pain of losing Fletcher would never subside enough to let me breathe. Some days I still wonder, soaked in sadness or emptiness. One year today has passed since I said goodbye to him and put him on the elevator to organ donation. I'm still here. Today, I know it's important to have ritual and remembrance.
The biggest fear I have today is that I'll become bitter or lash out at those who I start to think don't reach out enough to me. There are those in my family that I don't talk to anymore. However, I've reached the point of forgiveness with them. I have to go on and I don't want to be bitter. Fletcher made me the man I am today, by being his Dad, I became a better person. I want him to still be proud of me and of who he help create by being in my life.
If being that man means I have to be "big enough" to forgive those who can't handle feeling sad when they take some measure of what I've lost, that is the way it should be. Erin, you are a survivor! Stand on the mountain and shout that you are still here! You will inspire so many with your story. Let those who can't handle that live they're lives, but it is they who are missing out.
I wish you all the joys to come. Continue to live, laugh and love. You deserve it!
"Life is precious...live, every moment of you life." -Fletcher Christian
Christian (Fletcher's Dad)
Seems everyone had the same story, so I'll repeat it...people show their true colors when they are needed the most. Don't waste time on those who take more than give. You deserve much better than that. But you know this by now. And please feel free to vent, it's more than ok to do that, we all understand. :) Hope you're feeling well.
Hi All, I have really enjoyed reading all these posts. I have some freinds that REALLY don't seem to want to understand what i have been through or don't want to belive that i am a little different now. Phycially i look so much better than when i could not walk after my surgery and i am more animated and speak so much better. Because I seem so "normal" in bits and piece of time with friends, they think everything in my life should be back to normal. One thing that i have thought about as i try to explain to people how my brain litterally works differently now, and get's tired more easily, is that your friend and even family only see you in small bites of time. It is hard for them to process what is really going on becuase no one is with you 24/7 - in the hotpital in ICU i would go through so much hell at night and before 5am and then my family would show up at 10am with some cold breakfast for me and not understand why i wasn't Thrilled off my rocker to see them! HA HA! I have gained a lot of perspective and gained some peace in just realizing that some people cannot understand even if they try. I have decided to give less energy and time to freinds who dont get it or try to get it. My husband and i split up a year after my surgery, he wanted me to go back to being the same person and was mean when i could not pick back up where i left off with my son and doing things around the house and working (making more $ than he did) so we went our sepatate ways. We are are civil to each other for my son, as we share custody, but alot was revealed to me during this trama, and i knew i couldn't keep living with him. .... meanwhile other freinds have been suprisingly understanding, and as i get back to my busy life again i have to remember to come back here to a place where people REALLY get it, better than anyone else that I am "close to". So happy this site is here when other people can be so darn aggrevating!!!
Hi Erin, you've come to the perfect place to vent. A lot of us here has gone through/are going through the same thing that you are. You are definitely not alone here.
Like many here, I've learned a lot of lessons while living with an AVM. I've learned who my true friends were. I lost a lot of them because I could not return to the person that I was before my rupture. I am cordial to them, but will not waste my time and energy (and their time) trying to rebuild something that is no longer there. It hurt at first (still hurts, now, but not as much as it did two-three years ago). I eventually became stronger from this, and learned how not to treat other people. I try to emulate this quote: "Be kinder (than necessary) for everyone you meet is fighting a battle."
This experience makes me all the more grateful for the friends that stayed, even though they saw me at my worst. I've learned that I am no better, and no worse than anyone else. We all have our own battles, and our challenges, weaknesses.
Please know that you have a friend here. Take care.
My friend said to me a few weeks ago - when i told her I think i changed from my crani : Yes u are more inconsiderate now. - How nice, and just coz i said my opinion and didnt close my mouth like i did it for so long before my surgery - just for the peace. I don´t want to keep my mouth shut anymore..i don´t mind if i have aan argument then - when they are rude to me - so why shall i be nice and kind? And even my family . i really love them..but they hurt me a lot too - i feel as if i am not tAKEN SERIOUS - ITS LIKE AN AVM is just a trivial thing the one or other of us a has ro deAL WITH - U KNOW IT ISNT Cancer - its no tumor - so what do we all complain about here....why arent we lucky???? sotry for my sarcasm, but sometimes i could freak out ABOUT THAT: my crani left me partially blind on both eyes - maybe thats not much for others, but for me its not so easy to deal with - i notice it always...and I struggle with it and worry about it and i thought i could tell my family about my worries..but no - last saturday they started to make fun about me and that i cant see properly and that sometimes i have hallucinations....Believe me - I am a fun loving woman and i am not easy fed up with jokes - but that hurt me so much that i went out of m< parents house and cried. I would never do that to anyone....why dont they understand what i have to deal with - is this sth to make fun about? I could cry again now. I promised myself - I will never ever talk to anyone about my issues - i will keep it all inside me.
Hi. It's been so long since my AVM was removed, and I am older now. I have seen people look at me and wonder what is wrong with me if I do something "not quite normally". I felt like an alien my whole life, and no one ever wanted to hear me. My family does not listen to me when I talk about anything. I really gave up trying. I now have a brand new guide dog from the Southeastern Guide Dog School in Florida because I was also left half blind in both eyes, have hallucinations, perceive things differently, have a spatial disorder, blurt things out of my mouth now and then, and I guess I can embarrass people. The older I get, the less I care. THis wonderful and sweet lab is my new friend.
I met my husband about 12 years after the AVM deal, and he knew me the way I was post AVM. He told me before we were getting married, that I was the first "chick" he ever met who did not play games in a relationship. I never knew what he meant, but I do now. He died too young 15 years ago, and I never got married again. I could never find anyone who really likes me the way I am. I do meet people who seem to like me, but I also know when someone I meet wants nothing to do with me. I look "normal", and while working with the dog this week, I was asked many times if I was the trainer. Instead of starting the old long explanation, I said yes, I am the trainer, and I will continue to do so.
Please know that this problem we have with stupid people is not worth worrying yourself about.
this whole ordeal has truly taught me who my real friends r…ivw learned that the ppl who r worth my time r the ones who feel that i’m worth thier time…ive never been the type to beg ppl to b in my life n now that im sick i feel that way even more…alot of my pre-avm friends i dont really talk to anymore because life is 2 short 2 waste on fake friendships…i rather have 2 good friends than 10 fake ones…
Swami Jim I read your post and am concerned about you....where are you going? I would hate to lose contact with my first and new friend on this site. If you need to talk of anything I will be here....I have a home in Arizona on The river I visit and am going to be there all summer if not longer. I now stay in California with my brother and his family and daughter is about an hour away but will be only and couple more months until my adopted daughter will be out of school. Please keep in touch...your friend Kathy
Erin I am also here for you too to vent or whatever....I am 12 years post=op and have lost it all from family, friends, career to SSDI and being told I am brain dead, liar (because I cannot relate stories exactly right) to convienient memory lost and I get confused. But I know inside I am still the great friend, nurse and loving family member, I do no longer want most of them In my life making me feel inadequate and bad. There are so many that I just want to hug all of you and make it all better, If i can't do that I will just be here with my computer and hug you with my words.
To Fletcher’s Dad,
Your story made me cry. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. To you and everyone else who wrote a response to Erin, “well said”. This is not an easy road by any means. I will pray for all you and hope you will all pray for my son as well. Keep your chin up high and stay strong. I hope the world will be kind to you and you will have loved ones by your side who truly care.
One of my friends always quotes a saying about friendship. Friends are yours for a reason, a season, or for life. I find it comforting when people I thought were friends for life move out of my life. Hang in there and vent all you need to!
I have watched your story and am praying for your son and you. You may no be the one with the AVM but you as his mom suffer right along with him. Bless you for being a loving caring mom. My mother and late father were just as you are, loving caring people and my mom thank God is still here with me. I thank you for your wonderful words of comfort. God Bless you. Kathy