All of us here can relate to the frustration you are facing.
The reality is, unlike when you have a broken arm, the solution is you splint it, an AVM is a complex beast. There are generally several ways you can treat it, in differing orders, as well as do nothing. A lot depends on the avm itself, the capability/skill of who you are seeing, and the guidance or determination from the patient.
Our experience was that the AVM doctors we saw laid out what they saw as the situation, what course of actions were possible along with the risks involved, and a recommendation of what they thought might work best. But it really was OUR CHOICE.
I'm sensing (Maybe incorrectly, and I certain don't mean to offend you in the slightest) that you might be reluctant to take the lead. The way we approached the AVM was that WE were the ones most impacted, and WE were going to be the key decision makers in the process. It worked well for us, and might not work for you at all, don't know.
And it is just as likely that your Drs aren't providing you the info you need to make a good decision. Or maybe it's something else entirely............
One thing in your note jumped out at me as a red flag: ".....they only do about 20 a year." I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have my car serviced by a place that fixes 20 cars a year. And I certainly would be hesitant to have someone muck with my brain who only fixes 20 a year.
Since your note also said "......just tell me what to do", here's my suggestion:
Have your neurologist (who we found to be the gate keeper to other specialists for avms) refer your case to an AVM team that has treated over 3,000 AVMs total and currently treats several hundred a year now. That team should have the capability WITHIN the team to do any combination of embolizations, radiation, and surgery. They should come up with a recommended plan for you.
The importance of covering all specialties is represented by us. Following one of several embolizations, the embo guys saw an aneurysm on one of the scans, so another member of the team two weeks later did conventional surgery for the aneurysm. She also had radiation following embos, and then surgery to remove the rest. (All this was over a 3+ year time frame.)
I know medical costs and travel are an issue for everyone, but for us, we wanted the best team, no matter the cost. I buy generic foods, but I don't buy generic medical help to fix my brain............(grin).
I do wish you well Robin. And if anything in my note offends you in the least, I apologize completely. I offer these words in the hope that it helps you in your journey.