I feel guilty

First of all, I am a terrible typist :) and I don't always make things easy to understand, but this is how I am feeling.

I have gone back and forth about blogging this, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. Since I have found this site and read your stories about your daily struggles and the pain you have gone through. The ones whos have AVMs that cannot be fixed and those who have been paralyised due to your situation, I am guilty that I was so fortunate that I was healed so well.

My wife keeps telling me that it wasn't like I didn't have anything happen to me, I did have a bleed that caused me to have a seizure and spend five days in ICU and had open brain surgery that keep me in ICU for nine more days but I have not gone through anything like most of the stories I have read. I never was in pain. I cannot understand. It has been six months and other than being tired after work I have no problems.

It seems like we should have all this spread out equally so some of the kids stories that I read would not have to go through all this. I know I would be willing to take some of the childs pain to have eased them.

I guess I just want everyone of you to know that I feel for you and I will always pray for you. God bless

Hello. I’m glad you posted. For me, I often feel that I simply haven’t done enough to ‘give back’ for all the blessings I’ve been given. I’m wondering if that’s a piece of what you’re feeling. there’s SOOO many ways to do this, including your post of support for those here who’ve been through too much. When you’ve been through something hard, you have a unique ability to understand suffering of others which makes you uniquely able to support others. Anyway, just by offering your post and prayers, you may just life someone up a little.

Dear Steven, you captured something really nice here. For me, I often wondered the same thing. Life is weird like this, why a bleed and stroke for one, a left sided bleed for one person, I right for another, a minor bleed for one, no bleed for another, and then, those that never even make it. I am so happy you were spared some of the things others have not been. I might feel a little envious, lol. But I also see it that in the scheme of life, you have something you are supposed to do that I cannot. And you know, likewise, I have something that needs to be done, that you cannot. One thing I know you have, is an understanding of where you could have been, so cherish every moment, revel in the things that some of us cannot.

Hello Steven .
Please ask your wife to give to you a very big hug from me , if she would not mind .
Your thoughts and prayers for others is a blessing to all .
I rejoice every time I read someone is doing well , someone made it to a goal , someone found peace of mind and someone did not suffer physical pain . I am rejoicing for you Steven . You have been through enough -you have no reason for feeling guilty - you have every reason to rejoice …
Be good to you . Take care of you .

Hello Steven

Reading your comment is a breath of fresh air to me, I also have read of all the struggles and pain, So reading your comment has made me feel much better Thank You, People always say I know just how you feel, but really they don’t, I watch my daughter walk though this and I see how she tries to be strong and I also see the mood swings, is it the AVM or is it the fear or both ? I am just trying to be there for my daughter, I stand by her side and I am willing to do the things she asks of me. Thank you again for your incouraging comment.
Mario Ontiveros

you should never feel guilty…each and eveyoneone of us has an unique life journey…after my surgery i was left with complete left side paralysis…and told i would never walk again or use my left arm/hand again…i have learnt to walk again…and now 2 years down the track i am still improving everyday…and i am happy to say as hard as my journey has been and is…i am truly grateful to be experiencing it…as this journey has changed me into a person i could have only ever dreamed of being…i thank God every day for my life and the life journey he has given me as i have learnt so much from it and continue to learn from it with each new day…so please…please dont ever feel gulity…feel lucky yes…and just learn from the lesson that has been given to you…and that was not to feel guilty…but to cherish your health and your life and take nothing for granted…sending you lots of positive energies along your journey take care and please dont feel gulity xox

Hello Alica
You are a women of strong faith, one that has recognized that everyday is gift, I have certainly learned from everylife situation, at the this time I may not like my daughters life situation but my experience tells me that down the road I will be grateful for the lessons taught to me, I know that Gods plan is always the right journey and that there is always positive in his plans. Walking through the storm may be rough but theres always sunshine after the strorm.

Mario Ontiveros

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support. I still struggle but I do know there was a reason all of this happened just not sure why. I still feel pain when I think of all the pain that my wife and my boys and family went through when I had my seizure. They thought that I was going to die right in front of them. I cannot image what it felt like for them to deal with that. My youngest son who was 12 years old, had to kick out my knees so they could get me down on the floor before I went into a full seizure, my oldset son ran to his room scared to death and my poor wife had to try and keep everything in control while she was watching me in a full seizure thinking that I was dying. I know it was not my fault but I still cry when I picture this happening and I know I can never erase that from there minds.

God bless

Your humility is so touching and thank you for the prayers. Although here is nothing more that can be done for me, as I mention, I carry the physical AVM but it is a growing experience for my four children and those around me, my family and friends. It is to keep focused on the important things in life, not sweat the small stuff and truly I am so blessed in many ways. I have my moments but I practice yoga which helps me and other than the AVM I am the healthiest in mindy body and spirit because of it. Do not feel guilty but live yur life with your children this is your journey you are on and let us keep you humbled… God bless you and your family. Marianne is correct this sends a big hug from me to you for your kindness and especially your prayers. We are all here to support each other and we are all survivors! xoxo Mare